Day Fifty!

So, yesterday I said how I went down a notch in my belt. YAY!
But to be perfectly honest, I haven’t been losing weight recently. I lost the 18 pounds but, that clearly isn’t enough to reach my goal of 30 pounds by Christmas, so I am a little concerned I won’t achieve it. 


I discussed this with Dr. Laurie and we determined it would be best to take a gander through my food journal to see what’s up. Also, to have a conversation about what might be getting in the way from any past trauma.


And ladies and gentlemen, it turns out, I have been overindulging and I have past trauma.
Yes. I know. It turns out I have been drinking too much cream, eating too many dips, and slurping back too much jello. Plus, I haven’t had the chance to work through previous issues to do with my teen years. 


So, in regards to the realization that I have been overindulging, I’m not even mad. I realized on the 35th day that this was a lifestyle change and I am ready to stick to it. Too long have I been a slave to sugar. So when Dr. Laurie took a look through my food journal and pointed out how I am actually still having dessert every night (only I have switched up my food choices) this told me the mistakes that I have been making on the diet frontier, I was; 

1. happy I kept the food journal so I could look back on my eating habits (hint) and  
2. I wasn’t shocked that these were the things holding me back since I instantly knew, ‘these are the things with the most sugar’.

So today to shock my body back into ketosis I spent it entirely at the office. I packed a lunch of a chicken patty with some mayonnaise, left the house at 9:30 AM and am planning to stay here until 7PM. Then I will go home, have supper, maybe a glass of wine, and go to bed.
I will keep myself busy by doing anything other than thinking about food…except for right now. I have spent the day paying attention to my hunger and using the techniques from the Emotionally Focussed Addiction Recovery Workbook, by rolling with the wave of hunger and cravings and re-directing myself by focussing on my computer work instead of the hunger pang. And you know what, it works!


The point isn’t to starve or deprive myself, it’s to focus my body into understanding that sugar is a big loud NO! It’s to get my body used to the idea that I have stuff to do other than eating Goddamn it! But most importantly, it’s to get me back into the mindset that I can change, and I am powerful enough to do so. 


Which also, unfortunately means that I have to work on my trauma from the past. I was able to get in touch with my 13 year old bullied self and I had an emotional realization that she still exists within me, a hurt little girl that I need to soothe with food. My hope is to work through the start of that next session with Dr. Laurie.