Follow Up Report
Why Do I Self-Sabotage?
Yesterday I talked a little about my current struggle with my weight loss journey. The fact is I am so close to my goal weight, but I continue to self-sabotage very easily, and I continue to make excuses for my actions of overeating and I keep giving myself permission of not following my new lifestyle. I made a plan that consisted of a fast (which I am successfully doing today) and limiting my carb intake to zero to shock my body and starve it of carbohydrates.
The real question that still needs answering is, why do I self-sabotage?
I asked Dr. Laurie this yesterday and she told me that self-sabotage occurs through the feeling state of self-hatred. I didn’t understand this at first because of course I don’t hate myself! How could I? I am proud of what I have achieved through the means of weight loss and otherwise. I am happy where I am today and excited for the future! So how is it possible I could hate myself?
Dr. Laurie explained to me the the ‘self’ is comprised of all forms of self. Your former self, the self you wanted to change, your current self, and even your future self; there are many forms of ‘self’, and many opportunities to hate one of them.
Today I talked to Dr. Laurie about my younger self. I imagined a safe, calm and relaxing place for myself, included the people (my resources) that I could feel I could depend on and ask advice from. Then I had to add my younger self into the picture, and I hated it. I didn’t like that I was reminded of who I used to be, what I used to look like, how I used to act. I didn’t like that all the feelings of pain, guilt, shame, heartache, and sadness came rushing back. Needless to say, I was uncomfortable. I felt the trauma of my younger self, a feeling I thought I had let go of long ago.
I had associated failure, disgust, inadequacy with myself. When I thought of my younger version I hated her just as much as I felt that everyone else did. I found myself becoming overwhelmed with emotion.
After discovering my feelings for my former self, we entered the stage of meditation. I closed my eyes and was completely relaxed, I gave my shame a colour and imagined it as tiny particles sticking within my body. Through breath work I expelled all the nasty little particles and relieved myself of shame.
I have never felt so relaxed and at peace. When I entered the meditation stage I was afraid and nervous and angry, but afterwards I was completely serene. I revisited my former self and was pleasantly surprised to find that I had severed the emotional connection between my current feelings and former self.
Shame is not the only negative feeling I felt however. I will still need to work through my other feelings and negative emotions, but I do feel like I am taking a step in the right direction. I fully believe and trust in myself that this journey, no matter the hardship, the struggle, the stalls, this will be the one that is successful.
On the quest to lose 50 pounds in a year. Can she do it? Only time will tell....with the help of this blog.